Needless movie remakes NEVER replace the originals

If the release date of "Footloose" and "The Thing" fell on Friday the 13th instead of Friday, Oct. 14, I would warmly welcome that day of bad luck in hopes both these movies flop at the box office.

"Footloose" is an update of the 1984 dance movie that starred Kevin Bacon. "The Thing," on the other hand, is being called a "prequel" to director John Carpenter's 1982 sci-fi, horror classic, which was in turn a remake of "The Thing from Another World" (1951).

Watching "The Thing" trailer, however, the film seems to have the word I most dread hearing these days - "remake" - written all over it, from the flamethrowers the characters use to battle the alien to the scene of the dogs being taken over by "The Thing," which was similar to a shot done in Carpenter's earlier work.

If there is any difference between this one and the 1982 version, other than perhaps the filmmakers' feeble attempts to out-gross the other with computer-generated visual effects,  this update features two female characters.

I don't want to hear how excited young audiences might be about the "Footloose" remake featuring Kenny Wormald in the Bacon role. He is a young outsider who stirs up trouble for a farming community that has outlawed dancing and rock music. Ren McCormack (Wormald) has his sights set on the daughter (Julianne Hough) of the town's Bible-thumping preacher, played by Dennis Quaid.

The "Footloose" preview, like "The Thing" trailer, was nothing more than an uninspired replica of the original's characters played by Kevin Bacon, Lori Singer and John Lithgow. There is one difference between this update and the 1984 movie. The yellow Volkswagen Beetle Wormald's Ren drives has a black stripe painted on the side.

If there is any reason why I no longer get much joy out of reviewing, it's that I have had all I can take of being subjected to 3-D, franchise comic book movies ("Thor", "X-Men: First Class"),  based on toys and games ("Transformers" and next Summer's "Battleship") predictable so-called real life stories that never happened, shot "Paranormal Activity" style like "Apollo 18" and needless remakes of old films, many of which were already perfect.

Like Congress and President Barack Obama, who exhibit no redeeming thought processes on how to handle the country's mounting debt, "Hollyweird" is in a deep, dark, creative slump. Like the nation's rising debt, the number of unnecessary remakes Hollyweird has lined up is increasing.

Already being prepared are redos of "The Black Hole" (1979), "Blade Runner" (1982), "The Bodyguard" (1992) "Carrie" (1976), "Dirty Dancing" (1987), "Firestarter" (1984), "Hellraiser" (1987), "Logan's Run" (1976), "The Osterman Weekend" (1983), "Point Break" (1991), "Red Dawn" (1984 – already completed), "Total Recall" (1990), "Wargames" (1983) and what is clearly a huge slap in the face to director Sam Peckinpah, "The Wild Bunch" (1969).

This list makes me want to yell out the one word Darth Vader uttered at the end of "Star Wars – Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" (2005) after being told he killed his wife. That made Star Wars fans, depending on who you talk to, cringe:

"Nooooooooooooooo!"

There really should be some rules in place when it comes to remaking movies – like waiting 40 years or more, if at all, before revamping a classic to make spending one's money to see it justified. Look no further than the impressive remakes of "Casino Royale" (2006), "King Kong" (2005), "Ocean's Eleven" (2001) "Scarface" (1983) and "True Grit" (2010) for examples.

Today's remakes are nothing more than curiosity pieces and a majority of them are barely worthy of a total makeover. In a perfect world, I hope "The Thing" and "Footloose" suffer the same box office fates that befell this year's remakes of "Arthur" (1981), "Fright Night" (1985) and the "Conan the Barbarian" (1982) reboot, where audiences were smart enough to stay home. I was one of them.

Unfortunately, I don't see that happening on opening weekend. I predict both movies will be successful because as P.T. Barnum once said, "There's a sucker born every minute." And as long as there are young audiences stupid enough to waste their hard-earned money to see a redo, there will always be remakes.

So excuse me if instead of uttering the words Bacon's Ren McCormack shouted out at the end of the '84 movie at the senior prom, "Let's dance," I'd much rather yell out "Fire!" inside a dark theater.

When it comes to movie remakes, I am reminded of a quote I came across on IMDB.com that Orson Welles once said should his black and white film, "Citizen Kane" (1941), be colorized by media mogul, Ted Turner.